And I can breathe again…

For the last 22 months I have had a large block weighing me down. It has been there daily each time I look to something new. It has been the thorn in my side. I have spent much of my free time guilting myself about it, knowing that while I was off  enjoying other things it was sitting there in my driveway waiting for me. It has loomed over my garden and everything I do.

Finally today I let it go….

You see 22 months ago I moved out of my house for my earthquake repairs to be completed, at that time there was a lot of my late husbands business paraphernalia and general items collected over 45 years living in the same house that I did not know what to do with.

These things were mostly not sentimental to me. Some of them I didn’t even know the origin of or even what they were. When the time came to move out I could not throw these things away nor did I have time to list them for sale on trade me or to hold a garage sale. So I hired a shipping container to put them in.

It was, at the time, the perfect solution. It gave me the breathing space to decide what to do. For 22 months the container has sat in my driveway. It has sat there reminding me I still had a job to do and it was a much bigger job than I anticipated.

I opened the container numerous time in the first 12 months only to feel overwhelmed by the task at hand and to shut the door again.

In the next 6 months I managed a little progress, a few items removed, given away or donated.

In the last 4 months I have slowly worked my way through it, listing things on trade me, sorting, throwing a way, donating.

Last month I put a deadline on it and booked the date for collection, knowing I work best under the pressure.

Yesterday it was finally empty and although I still have a few items to sell and  a couple of boxes to sort through the job is finally done!

This morning I got out of the shower to discover the truck had arrived to collect it and finally, joyfully I waved it Goodbye.

I feel lighter, I feel I can breathe easier, I feel that a weight has lifted. I feel energy moving more freely around my garden and my life. I am beginning to understand some of the information I have read on Feng Shui and clearing the clutter.

Every time you let go of something it creates space, creates ripples of movement, creates a greater sense of freedom.

I think Wayne Dyer says it best ” As I unclutter my life I free myself to unclutter the callings of my soul”

I certainly feel the impact of that today. Having the container contents on my to do list for so long has held me back from embracing the new, from re-inventing myself and from stepping fully into who I am becoming.

My thoughts turn to what else in my life needs to be cleared, where I need to simplify and let go and I realise that its about more that just physical things for me.

I am building a new concept of who I am and what I am capable of after 10 years of performing the same roles and that also requires some clearing. I am aware of both old ways of thinking that it is time to let go of and of new ways of being that I have been afraid to embrace.

Once again I am reminded that our outer world reflects our inner world.

This weeks project: clearing the internal clutter

” Clutter is not just the stuff on the floor, its anything that stands between you and the life you want to be living” Peter Walsh

What do you need to clear, throw away, donate or sell that is weighing you down? What internal clutter needs clearing in your life? feel free to share in the comments below

 

 

This S**t is getting real…

Yesterday I spent the day with 6 business owners and 2 expert entrepreneurs at a Hot Seat workshop.

Essentially this workshop was a chance for me to give voice to the business idea that I have been germinating over the past few weeks, to say it out loud, to own it and to get some feedback on both its viability and where to start.

It was a scary step for me to take but one that I needed. Just like a seed germinating under the soil at some point my idea had to break through the surface to the light to continue to grow and develop.

Sitting in the Hot Seat put me in touch with my vulnerability. This new business is a reflection if who I am, my heart is in it, it’s what I feel am here to do. It’s scary to own that.

It was also very empowering and affirming to have my idea received and acknowledged. I felt encouraged that, Yes others can see this in me and also to come away with some concrete actions for what to do next and how to take some confident steps towards making it a reality  – to give this shoot the sunlight, water and fertiliser it needs.

Yesterday was a Joyful experience.

Today however is another story!

Today I am called to take action on what I uncovered yesterday. Today I am struck with inertia. Today this S**t is getting real!

It raises the question for me – Why do we take action on the things we do? and Why do we procrastinate about other things? Things we know are important, things we really want to make happen.

For me the inertia feels  a little bit like being a deer in headlights. I am frozen to the spot and not the first time I have felt like this in recent weeks.

The steps that I need to take will move me outside my comfort zone. I will need to step out of who I am now and stretch into who I am becoming. I will need to be all that I am, there is no more hiding away or censuring myself. I have no work persona or professional front to hide behind. This is not just another role I will perform.

What if it doesn’t work?

What if it does?

I know that I will make this leap. I know that on another day or even later today I will take action and move this forward because for me life is about experiences not about regrets or if only’s. To not take action and allow this shoot to grow into all that it is meant to be would be keeping myself small and to live within the confines of my own fear and there is no joy in that ….

So today I challenge myself to dip my toe in and take one small step, to see what it feels like. In 30 days time I may be well be ready to swim!

What will you challenge yourself to do today? What do you have in your life that you would like to move forward with or take action on. Feel free to record it in the comments below and together we can hold each other accountable 🙂

Paula xx

Art is my gateway….

This week I had the pleasure of attending a 2.5 hour mixed media workshop. It was the first time in about 9 years I have allowed myself the time to make art. In the last few weeks as my new life is unfolding I have made a few new discoveries and the mixed media workshop gifted me with another “art is my gateway”

My strongest instinct in my quest for what’s next has been to allow my what next to grow and emerge from within me at its own pace and in its own way. In the past I have built myself a couple of successful businesses. I built them from a place of determination, action, driving forward and pushing through barriers. I built them from my masculine energy and reflecting on this has shown me that I learnt an awful lot in the process.

I learnt that I can create anything if I set my mind to it. I can, through my own determination and striving, make it happen. However I have also learnt that what I build from this place isn’t always what I want. It doesn’t make me happy. It makes me successful and exhausted. It takes a lot of energy to build it up and even more to keep it in the air. In a lot of ways this is why it has taken me 10 years in the corporate world to feel that I am once again ready to be self employed.

In the time between I have come to know, trust and understand myself in a deeper way. It has allowed space for me to connect with my feminine energy, my inner nurturer, the part of me that is soft, gentle, fragile. The place within me where love, beauty and grace reside. This to me is key to creating my what next.

My deepest desire for my what next is to allow both my inner feminine and masculine energy equal parts in its creation. I want to create for myself a work with purpose, that is sustainable, that feeds me both financially and spiritually. To do this my whole self needs to come to the party.

I know that I have to be patient and nurture the bud that is growing inside me. It requires me to trust that I will know the time to take action and drive forward when it arrives. This is a new experience for me but it feels good, really good, inviting.

In allowing this newly developing part of me to take centre stage this week I have been exploring the things that feel good and that nurture my spirit. Walking, yoga, meditation, reading, writing, knitting (that one was a surprise) listening to music and most importantly making art.

Quite unexpectedly I have discovered that for me art is a gateway. It connects me deeply to my inner feminine. It feels open and expansive and inspiration is right there in that moment. It is a similar feeling to the one I get when I write but softer.

When I step out of my masculine energy of doing and allow myself the freedom the create through writing or art I move into a place of allowing a more full expression of myself. I am out of my head and in my heart. My creativity is unleashed and I am able to bring forward new ideas and inspiration.

My creativity allows me to open and I know that being in this space is where I will find my what next emerging from.

Art is my gateway……

Are you a doer/ driver like me? How often to you allow your creativity to be in charge? I invite you  to give it a try…..make art, write, dance, make music, connect with your feminine aspects and share with me what you discover below…..

Paula x

The scary things about Freedom…

The one thing I craved most when working full time in a busy management role was freedom.

Freedom to choose what time I wake up in the morning, freedom to decide what to do with my day , who and what to spend my time on. Freedom to run away to a tropical location at a moments notice. Freedom to work when I want to -to be more creative and develop parts of myself long neglected. Freedom to be utterly, unapologetically and completely myself without having to fit into systems, processes and protocols designed by someone else.

I am 5 weeks into my freedom.

It is not what I expected, it does not match what my dreams told me it would be. The truth is freedom is actually very, very scary. I feel pressure to make something of this precious freedom time, to not waste it lest it be gone in an instant.

I have also come face to face with the parts of myself that crave structure and rules and targets and plans. I am like a small child lost in a shopping mall. I don’t know where my edges are. I am afraid of taking steps in the wrong direction. Freedom has me frozen like a deer in headlights.

Freedom is exposing. I can no longer hide behind my work “persona” I have no “what I do” to share I social situations. I am myself, nothing more and that feels naked and vulnerable.

However, freedom is giving me time and space to put into practice all that I have learnt and healed and blogged about over the last few years. I am making friends with my fear, sitting with it and getting curious about what it has to offer. I am coming to a new understanding of the part of me that likes to push forward and make things happen.

Pushing, doing, ticking off the list, making it happen is a great way to avoid everything I am afraid of. I now understand why letting this part of me be in charge has lead me down dead ends in my life, businesses and career paths that haven’t made me happy despite there success.

I am learning to create my own structure. Structure when self imposed isn’t easy to implement but it becomes even more necessary. I have been afraid to put structure in place, afraid I would get it wrong and dissolve the freedom. Realizing I have the freedom to change anything and everything that doesn’t work has allowed me to gently begin designing my new life…experimenting, playing, feeling what I might like.

I know that what I am creating is the truest reflection of myself, my truth, my purpose, my soul honoring. I know this because it feels so different -softer, gentler, fragile, exposing, terrifying yet I can’t turn back now that I have said yes to freedom. I don’t even want too, as uncomfortable as it feels. I feel it’s growing energy.

Freedom is allowing me to allow myself to be me. To slowly and gently birth a new way of being, to find my own edges, set my own limits. To be more authentic, to honor myself and those around me in new ways.

I am feeling my way into this.

Although I am scared and tentative, I feel a huge sense of gratitude for this freedom and the circumstances that allowed me to create it.

Alongside this a bubbling excitement for what I will discover on the other side of my fear, for what it is to be free.