I woke up at 213am this morning to the sound of snow silence. I always know the sound of snow because its so incredibly quiet outside. I got up and sure enough my lawn was coated in white. The snow silence made me think about the silence I find inside when I meditate. Its a different kind of quiet but similar in a way. This then made me think about love. Ahh the things that go through your head in the wee hours of the morning!
Relationships are hard, this is a truth. There is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow when it comes to love. Love teaches you about all of your strengths and all of your weaknesses. I tend to love hard and sadly I have loved and lost and loved and lost a number of times. For me love and loss are intimately entwined. The fear of losing someone I love is very loud for me currently, having lost my last love to cancer.
This morning, in the wee hours, I started to write about this fear and how crippling it is for me. I liken it to pavlov’s dog, to fear loss when I feel love is my conditioned response. Yet having lost someone I loved very deeply has also gifted me many blessings. It has shown me my strength, my resilience and my instinct to survive. It gave me my voice, my writing, through which I can express things I feel but cannot always say out loud. It has taught me the true value of love. I have learnt that loss is a transit, a gateway, a new birth.
The lesson of my early morning wake up was a pertinent reminder that fear of loss in love can also be an indication that we are looking to another to meet our need for love. It is easy to look for love outside or yourself especially when someone comes along who makes you feel special and seen. When we externalise our experience of love we will always be disappointed. Regardless of the strength of your relationship there will always be times when your partner does not meet your needs and you feel hungry for love. This can lead us to do and say things we later regret, it can turn even the most level-headed of us a little cray cray! However there is a reliable source of love that will always be there for you to turn, to even in your most difficult and unloveable moments. There is a reservoir inside you. A place where you can turn to feel the connection you desire. There is a place in your heart where love resides.
It took me a long time to discover this and sometimes I still forget. Its difficult to explain how this even works but this is what it means to love yourself first! Some would call this source of love, spirit, or god or divine love. All in know is, that when you give yourself time to find that connection in your heart, to the well of love inside you, all things that previously felt impossible suddenly become possible. This place will feed you and heal you and hold you.
This is the place I draw from when I feel afraid. When I fear loss I go to this place within and I know that I will always have love regardless of external circumstances. This well of love inside will sustain you and then you will have nothing to fear in giving yourself to another, for it will not be from a place of need but from a place of being whole.
So the next time you feel there is not enough love or you feel afraid, take a moment,, put your hand on your heart and rest there. Breathe and if you quietly allow it, get curious and explore, you will find this well of love resides in you also.
When daylight arrived this morning, the rain had all but melted the snow away. My lawn was back to its winter greenness but the love inside has not melted away with the snow, it is there always for me and also for you.
Paula xx
In Search of the Joybug 