Tag Archives: Joy

What you want, wants you…..

My “Love your Biz” group coaching program just entered its 4th week and I am loving seeing and hearing the shifts my coachee’s are making. They are really making the choice to step into or towards what they really want to do. There is something so utterly and completely affirming and obvious about watching someone connect with what they really want, to be on purpose. It’s almost as if what they want,wants them too!

It raises the questions for me “Why do we wait so long ?” (why did I wait so long?). Why do we wait so long to let ourselves feel what we desire? Why do we wait so long to immerse ourselves in the joy of that? Why do we spend so much of our precious life doing stuff we don’t enjoy or becoming what others expect of us instead of becoming ourselves?

The answer to these questions is complex and multilayered and as unique as we all are. However there are some commonalities. A lot of what we choose to do is a conditioned response rather than a conscious choice. Many of us grew up with limits ” You can’t do that”, “you can’t always have what you want”, “money doesn’t grow on trees you know” “that’s not what girls do” “that’s not what boys do” “that’s not as easy as it looks” “you have to work hard to get what you want” “children are to be seen and not heard”

So we limited ourselves to fit the norm, to comply, to be accepted, to be loved. We learnt to put what we really desired on to the back burner until we literally forgot what it was altogether.

For some of us our fledgling desires were crumpled by off-hand comments from teachers, family members and peers or even squashed by outright teasing. This lead us to hide or disguise our special talents and heartfelt desires in an effort to fit in , be liked and accepted.

I remember being told at school that to have a career in Art or creativity, you had to be incredibly talented, the message I received was that I was “not good enough”. Believing I was not good enough not only denied me the opportunity to experiment and develop my creativity, for a long time I held the belief that I was not good enough for anything, relationships, friendships, to earn decent money, to have nice things or even to lose weight. It can be quite a journey to recover those fragile lost parts, to reclaim self belief. It feels scary and really vulnerable but for me choosing to take that journey has allowed so much more love, joy, creativity and satisfaction in my life than I could ever have imagined.

And now I get to do that for others. To gently guide them up the mountain of limiting beliefs towards clarity and new perspectives. To hold the lantern in the mine as we dig for the gold of true desires and uncover purpose beneath the layers po judgement, fear and hurt.

For me this is not work….it is an honour. it is an honour to support others to support themselves. To see them show up as who they are and receive the rewards of living on purpose. To discover that what they want, wants them too.

Uncovering desires can be hard work and it can seem impossible in the fog to even know where to start but if you want more, I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that there is more! There are 3 simple things that you can do today that will bring your desires and your purpose a little bit closer

Step 1: What did you love when you were a kid? What did you want to do when you grew up? Grab yourself a sheet of paper or a journal and start writing a list. Don’t censor yourself or try to think it through just write everything you remember down. These little gems of gold from you free spirited childhood days are a starting point to begin your exploration

Step 2: Allow yourself to play. Choose something from your childhood list and start to explore and play with it as an adult. Or alternatively if there is something you have been wanting to try that’s not on your list go do that! Do a workshop, watch a “how to” YouTube video, start a course or just experiment at home. Allow yourself some free play time each week to experiment with trying out things you wonder about or think you might like.

Step 3: Get some support, whether it’s a coach, a counsellor, a Facebook group or just a few like minded friends having a cheer squad, someone to be accountable to and someone to hold your hand when it gets hard is one of the most supportive things you can do for yourself. I can confidently say that I would not be where I am today if I hadn’t reached out to my coach for support and leaned on the support of like minded friends.

So make a start today! If not now, when? My greatest wish is for you to DO, BE and Have all that you truly want. It’s out there waiting for you!

If you would like to try coaching email pmcfarlane@clear.net.nz or phone me on 0274327601 to set up a complimentary 20 min call to see if it’s for you.

For the month of May I am offering 3 x 45 min coaching sessions for the price of 2 and I have just 3 spots left.

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What is your default setting?

This new lifestyle I have embarked upon, so much slower than the racing pace of my former job, has given me space to really examine my own inner workings.

This has always been an area of interest to me. I have self analysed my way through life’s hurdles to this point and also accepted the support of others when I felt it necessary. Some of this has been shared here on this blog in the hope that someone else reading it might find it useful but also for the relief of spilling it onto the page. Writing is my pressure relief valve!

Last week I took a deep dive into my darkest feelings about myself. Feelings the “self help” world would call “limiting beliefs” This week I have felt lighter, extending myself the hand of understanding and gently inching forward beyond those limits.

What has persisted is a sense of restlessness. In an effort to free myself from my inability to settle into any distinct routine I have taken my own advice. I have slowed down, got acquainted with my restless feelings and I have resumed my meditation routine.

What has come from all this self contemplation is an awareness that I am waiting for instructions! I am waiting to for someone to tell me what to do next…..

After 10 years in the fast paced world of Sales where life is governed by call cycles booked 3 months ahead and targets to be measured by every step of the way, I have become very used to working to someone elses instructions. So used to it in fact that without it I have been left completely overwhelmed by the decision of what to do first, what to do next and what to do after that!

This awareness was quickly followed by another….I can give myself permission to do whatever the hell I want!

I am having to do a Factory reset on myself because all of my default settings are out of whack!

I am defaulting back to the routine of a life I no longer belong to – I don’t want to go back to and I am realising how conditioned I was to respond to life in a certain way.

There was essentially nothing wrong with this in the context of the role I was in. I was very successful and achieved results I am proud of however I no longer need to operate from the same defaults. I am in a position to take time to discover new ways of operating, new defaults settings for my working life.

My restlessness and procrastination has had a purpose to it. A deeper understanding of myself and the freedom to redesign my operating system. That’s where the JOY is! Paula Version 5.0!

Life’s greatest opportunity is that we are not limited by our default settings. We can always upgrade our operating system to perform in a more joyful way….

If we are prepared to give ourselves the time and space to discover this. To take a step back, a wider perspective, to appreciate all that we are – the good, the bad and the downright annoying! There is magic in the process I can promise you that!

Are you coming up against parts of yourself that are getting in the way of your success? Feeling stuck or blocked? I can help. email me at pmcfarlane@clear.net.nz to set up a free skype call to see if coaching is right for you.

And I can breathe again…

For the last 22 months I have had a large block weighing me down. It has been there daily each time I look to something new. It has been the thorn in my side. I have spent much of my free time guilting myself about it, knowing that while I was off  enjoying other things it was sitting there in my driveway waiting for me. It has loomed over my garden and everything I do.

Finally today I let it go….

You see 22 months ago I moved out of my house for my earthquake repairs to be completed, at that time there was a lot of my late husbands business paraphernalia and general items collected over 45 years living in the same house that I did not know what to do with.

These things were mostly not sentimental to me. Some of them I didn’t even know the origin of or even what they were. When the time came to move out I could not throw these things away nor did I have time to list them for sale on trade me or to hold a garage sale. So I hired a shipping container to put them in.

It was, at the time, the perfect solution. It gave me the breathing space to decide what to do. For 22 months the container has sat in my driveway. It has sat there reminding me I still had a job to do and it was a much bigger job than I anticipated.

I opened the container numerous time in the first 12 months only to feel overwhelmed by the task at hand and to shut the door again.

In the next 6 months I managed a little progress, a few items removed, given away or donated.

In the last 4 months I have slowly worked my way through it, listing things on trade me, sorting, throwing a way, donating.

Last month I put a deadline on it and booked the date for collection, knowing I work best under the pressure.

Yesterday it was finally empty and although I still have a few items to sell and  a couple of boxes to sort through the job is finally done!

This morning I got out of the shower to discover the truck had arrived to collect it and finally, joyfully I waved it Goodbye.

I feel lighter, I feel I can breathe easier, I feel that a weight has lifted. I feel energy moving more freely around my garden and my life. I am beginning to understand some of the information I have read on Feng Shui and clearing the clutter.

Every time you let go of something it creates space, creates ripples of movement, creates a greater sense of freedom.

I think Wayne Dyer says it best ” As I unclutter my life I free myself to unclutter the callings of my soul”

I certainly feel the impact of that today. Having the container contents on my to do list for so long has held me back from embracing the new, from re-inventing myself and from stepping fully into who I am becoming.

My thoughts turn to what else in my life needs to be cleared, where I need to simplify and let go and I realise that its about more that just physical things for me.

I am building a new concept of who I am and what I am capable of after 10 years of performing the same roles and that also requires some clearing. I am aware of both old ways of thinking that it is time to let go of and of new ways of being that I have been afraid to embrace.

Once again I am reminded that our outer world reflects our inner world.

This weeks project: clearing the internal clutter

” Clutter is not just the stuff on the floor, its anything that stands between you and the life you want to be living” Peter Walsh

What do you need to clear, throw away, donate or sell that is weighing you down? What internal clutter needs clearing in your life? feel free to share in the comments below

 

 

Art is my gateway….

This week I had the pleasure of attending a 2.5 hour mixed media workshop. It was the first time in about 9 years I have allowed myself the time to make art. In the last few weeks as my new life is unfolding I have made a few new discoveries and the mixed media workshop gifted me with another “art is my gateway”

My strongest instinct in my quest for what’s next has been to allow my what next to grow and emerge from within me at its own pace and in its own way. In the past I have built myself a couple of successful businesses. I built them from a place of determination, action, driving forward and pushing through barriers. I built them from my masculine energy and reflecting on this has shown me that I learnt an awful lot in the process.

I learnt that I can create anything if I set my mind to it. I can, through my own determination and striving, make it happen. However I have also learnt that what I build from this place isn’t always what I want. It doesn’t make me happy. It makes me successful and exhausted. It takes a lot of energy to build it up and even more to keep it in the air. In a lot of ways this is why it has taken me 10 years in the corporate world to feel that I am once again ready to be self employed.

In the time between I have come to know, trust and understand myself in a deeper way. It has allowed space for me to connect with my feminine energy, my inner nurturer, the part of me that is soft, gentle, fragile. The place within me where love, beauty and grace reside. This to me is key to creating my what next.

My deepest desire for my what next is to allow both my inner feminine and masculine energy equal parts in its creation. I want to create for myself a work with purpose, that is sustainable, that feeds me both financially and spiritually. To do this my whole self needs to come to the party.

I know that I have to be patient and nurture the bud that is growing inside me. It requires me to trust that I will know the time to take action and drive forward when it arrives. This is a new experience for me but it feels good, really good, inviting.

In allowing this newly developing part of me to take centre stage this week I have been exploring the things that feel good and that nurture my spirit. Walking, yoga, meditation, reading, writing, knitting (that one was a surprise) listening to music and most importantly making art.

Quite unexpectedly I have discovered that for me art is a gateway. It connects me deeply to my inner feminine. It feels open and expansive and inspiration is right there in that moment. It is a similar feeling to the one I get when I write but softer.

When I step out of my masculine energy of doing and allow myself the freedom the create through writing or art I move into a place of allowing a more full expression of myself. I am out of my head and in my heart. My creativity is unleashed and I am able to bring forward new ideas and inspiration.

My creativity allows me to open and I know that being in this space is where I will find my what next emerging from.

Art is my gateway……

Are you a doer/ driver like me? How often to you allow your creativity to be in charge? I invite you  to give it a try…..make art, write, dance, make music, connect with your feminine aspects and share with me what you discover below…..

Paula x

Full Circle Moment….

Very seldom in life do we pause long enough to catch up with ourselves, with where we are at and what we have achieved, overcome, worked through and healed. We get so caught up in the doing we forget the importance of allowing time to just “be”. I pressed the pause button this week. Paused the craziness of my work schedule to spend a week on “Fiji time”

Fiji holds a very special place in my heart. I got married here. I have travelled here in the days after severe earthquakes at home, I have spent time here with my beloved late husband and also with dear friends. This place has wound its way around my heart with its warm air, sparkling waters and smiling people. Life is always on pause here. This visit has been extra special. I have had time to write and reflect and to meet up with parts of myself that were here in this place in a different time in my life.

I have travelled far and wide in my life since my first visit to this place, from the highest of highs to the depths of my grief. Recently my attention has been drawn to posts on my Facebook feed related to grief. They have told me “grief never ends” ” you never stop grieving ” ” you don’t get over you loss you just learn to live with it” I once felt deeply connected to these themes. They touched the core of my grieving but now they feel completely incongruent with my experience . My grief has ended. I no longer feel the deep loss I once felt.

Losing my husband and all of my dreams and plans for the future was unimaginably difficult but this trip to Fiji has shown me that where I once felt loss and grief I now feel a deep gratitude for all that Ande and the loss of Ande has brought into my life. I feel incredibly blessed to have had the time with him I did, blessed to have been a part of his life. Losing him has been both a life defining and life giving experience. It has given me back myself. It has shown me that there is so much more to be experienced and enjoyed in every moment than I ever believed possible.

So never let a Facebook feed or anyone else define the process of your grief. Your grief, your loss is yours alone. It is a painful and raw experience. It may be similiar to mine or it may be completely different. The way you grieve in no way diminishes the value of the life you have lost or the place that person held in your life. Allow yourself the full spectrum of your grief, gift that to yourself.

This time Fiji has gifted me what can only be described as a full circle moment. A moment so filled with gratitude and joy that tears come again to my eyes as I write about it. I found myself standing next to myself whole and complete and healed. No longer who I once was but happy so very very happy  and stronger and braver and freer than I have ever been. I found my joy bug!

I shed my old skin here, leaving behind the parts of myself I no longer need, that no longer serve me. When I leave tomorrow it will be with a full and grateful heart. Ready to step into the new and knowing that the next time I need to press the pause button Fiji will be here waiting for me.

Bula!

Paula

Navigating your inner terrain…..

How much do you know of your inside? The core of you…What is really at the bottom of all the beliefs you hold about yourself?….all your preconceived ideas of the world and who you are in it…the choices you have made based on your conditioned experiences?

This is your inner landscape, the terrain of your heart, the place where your soul resides….do you know what it looks like?

I have been called to explore my own inner terrain this week, to climb my interior Mt Everest. This call came in the most innocuous and unexpected way. It wasn’t outstanding or miraculous, I was simply faced with one disappointment too many. I reached my tipping point!

Initially I was devastated and devastated in a way that was far more cavernous than the size of the actual disappointment which in the big scheme of things was entirely unremarkable. This small disappointment set of an avalanche of frustration, grief, sadness and despair that I had been totally unaware was waiting inside me on a hair-trigger. Waiting for just the right moment to go off. I was in pain. I was heartbroken. I cried and cried until my face ached.

And then suddenly I was empty

I was completely empty and not in a lonely I don’t know what to do with my exhausted and disappointed self way but in a peaceful, quiet, calm, you have reached the bottom of yourself way.

I have sat in this beautiful calm emptiness now for several days. I have been empty and laughing. I have been empty and joyful, empty and loving, empty and determined, empty and experiencing deep clarity and wonder. I am exploring the geography of my emptiness.

You see I am a passionate, driven, achieving, striving person. This is my modus operandi. This is what I have believed will get me what I want. I pour myself into people and projects and tasks and goals and relationships. This is who I have been all of my adult life. What happened a few days ago when I reached my tipping point was that I poured myself into one project too many and when it didn’t come off their was nothing of me left. I had run out of striving and achieving. I had run out of passion for all of the things that I used to think were important, of value and what I most desired.

If you have read this far I suspect you are wondering where this is going….to be honest I am not really sure but what I do know is that finding my empty has been liberating, possibly as liberating as reaching the summit of that mountain you have wanted to climb your whole life. I am no longer constrained by all the ideals and ideas I once thought important, defining and pivotal. I am free of the values my conditioning and experiences where holding me to.

My inside, my inner terrain feels spacious, new and yet to be discovered. I feel I can let go of expectations for myself and from others. This is where I leave behind all that I was and discover who it is I am and what I want to bring forward. Nothing is holding me back or weighing me down yet I feel no demands to rush forward.

I am enjoying this inner sanctuary, my personal mountain top. When I think about what might be ahead I feel no fear or apprehension. I feel a smile open on my face. Striving has been replaced with allowing. Action has been replaced with exploration. Fear becomes a deep trust in the internal restructuring that is occurring. I am not who I once was and I am not who I will ultimately become. It just is how it is….and its lovely.

Time to explore the hills and valleys, the mountains and rivers and oceans of myself. I am my own adventurer, pouring myself into myself.

Have you explored your inner landscape? Feel free to share in the comments below

Acknowledging the Ebb and Flow….

Have you ever noticed how your life has an ebb and flow? Sometimes things flow easily and you feel that everything is in alignment. All your ducks are in a row, you’re on top of it all and making things happen. Then for some reason, out of the blue, it will all shift and change and you are in a much boggier place. You feel weighed down by your responsibilities and overwhelmed by all that you need to get done. Sometimes this shift will happen quite independently of any day to day changes in your life. You can one day feel good about exactly the same things that will tomorrow feel too hard to deal with. Sometimes you just begin to feel icky inside without any apparent reason.

I have been observing this pattern within myself recently and asking the question what really changes, what really causes this shift? How can we even out the ups and downs and come to a place of greater balance.

Bringing my awareness to this has made a difference, I have become very conscious of the internal shift when it occurs. Obviously there are external demands on our lives that can affect this massively but I have also noticed that the time and attention I give to myself and my own needs has an impact as well. How we respond in times when we feel heavy and less inspired holds the key

I have a daily routine. I meditate each morning for around 10 to 15mins. I write in my journal at night before I go to sleep. These two things change the way my day goes, they change how stressed I feel and they change the way I respond to the world.

I didn’t always do these things. Although the journaling has been with me on and off for many years. What I notice is that when life starts to move away from an easy flow it will generally coincide with letting something in my routine go. These small things I do each day are acts of self-care or self- love that help me to respond to what it is I am feeling in each and every moment and this in turn guides me to actions that are in alignment with who I am and where I want to go.

If I let my routine slide I will find myself sitting in the tension of being out of sync, out of flow and feeling but not quite getting to what it is that needs my care inside. In the past I have been so uncomfortable with the internal feeling of tension that I have tried to block it with food, or TV or a couple of glasses of wine. I will procrastinate and avoid and generally behave in a way that isn’t productive. I do these things to distract myself from the icky feeling of tension but they do not offer a solution, the tension remains and becomes louder.

Recently I have changed my approach. I now recognise the tension as a signal that I need more of myself that some part of me requires my attention and the best way to shift to a lighter frequency is to address that. I still resist taking action for a while and I need to approach myself gently with a hot bath or some gentle music. This will generally assist me to a deeper level of supporting myself to find what it is this tension is trying to tell me. I can move to journaling or meditation or sometimes, I just suddenly become aware of what it is I need to do.

We have some much more power to change our experience that we can ever imagine. Feeling a downward spiral in your energy is, in my experience a gift. There is gold there waiting to be revealed. It may be a need that is not being met or that some change is necessary, that you need to reach out for support or that you have drifted to far from what it is your heart truly desires.

Internal turmoil is an invitation to respond to life differently, to make another choice, a choice to support yourself especially the most vulnerable parts of you. The parts that carry your hopes and dreams and also your wounds. Each of these moments is a chance to heal inside to bring your dreams to life and to live deeper.

So I invite you to test your own waters. The next time you find you have shifted into a boggy energy or that you are out of the flow and feeling down or grumpy with life. Pause for a moment and ask yourself, what is it that I need? What is it within me that needs my attention? Try out a few small acts of self-care, a walk, a hot bath, or early night. Start the process of internal dialogue, love yourself enough to know you deserve your own time and attention and let me know in the comments below what changes for you…..what is revealed that you didn’t expect…. How quickly you are able to shift back to joy

Paula xx